Forgiveness

In the Gospel of Matthew, 18:21-35, Jesus relates the parable of an ungrateful servant, who having received mercy to forgive his debt to his Lord, proceeded to exact what was owed to him from his fellow servant. He also relates the Lord’s extreme displeasure with that wicked servant. 

It is interesting that the Lord puts sin or offense in the context of debt: What we owe God, and what another may owe us. Certainly we owe God our love, fidelity, honor, worship, not to mention our very lives. When we live selfishly, for ourselves, dominated by Pride, we are indebted to God; we are withholding what we owe to God.

We believe that others owe us respect, consideration, honesty, decency, and more. When we are wronged, it is normally because we feel someone has denied us that respect, consideration, and decency. Essentially, they owe us, they are indebted to us for what they have withheld. 

In our prayers and in the language of the scriptures, both terms, debt and trespass, are used interchangeably to describe our sin against God and someone’s sin against us. Debt refers to omission, what we fail to do, or the honor, consideration, and honesty we withhold. Trespass refers to what is done, the infraction against God or another, the infringement upon our perceived rights, due to the lack of honor, consideration, and more, which we fail to give. They are two sides of the same coin. 

Like all other aspects of our relationship with God, we express the element of forgiveness from God through our relationships with others. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and strength… and your neighbor as yourself.” Therefore, we express the mercy of God through mercy to others.

The Lord gives us an integral formula concerning His forgiveness for us. He is quite plain in His teaching about the matter, and to insure that we do not forget such an important piece of the forgiveness solution, He included it in the prayer which He taught and which, in the Church, we repeat incessantly. “Forgive us our debts, or trespasses, or sins, AS we forgive others.” No part of His teaching is any more clear than this, and there are no exceptions.

We must truly forgive others. He does not say, if they are not too awful, or if there are extenuating circumstances, or any other excuse. We must simply forgive, no matter how spiteful the sin, or how oft repeated. No limit on the number of times - "seventy times seven." We must forgive to be forgiven.

Fortunately for us, forgiveness is not a matter of how we feel toward the offending party. Like most other areas of Orthodox spirituality, it is not about our feelings. In fact, feelings must not enter into our response. Forgiveness is a spiritual discipline, like patience or love, which flows from the virtue of Humility. Forgiveness requires the denial of the sin of pride, my insistence on what is owed me, and the exercise of humility. We forgive by choice, by decision, in obedience to the command of Christ our God, regardless of the other person’s infraction against us. Regardless of whether they apologize, or even want our forgiveness, or are even aware that we are hurt. We must remember; it is not about the other person, so much as, it is about our relationship with God.  

When we are offended, or wronged, when we hold that another person is indebted; it is the sin of Pride that requires the debt. It is Pride that says we are owed such respect, consideration, and recompense. Humility allows us to forgive, and release the other from that debt.

We have all heard, or perhaps said, “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget!”  What is actually meant is that forgiveness is not an option. Even if we go through the motions, mouth the words of forgiveness, we have not released the other person. No matter how long it has been since the perceived hurt, all the emotion, anger, and frustration is just as fresh as the day it happened. This is not forgiveness, this is Pride and it is revealed by its' body guard, Anger. We are bound spiritually to this action, this event, and this person.  Indeed, we are the ones who are in prison when we hold the other person in debt to us. As the servant in the Gospel, we will not be released until all is paid. 

We all try to forgive the little things people do. This is commendable. It is good practice for the more difficult, more hurtful occasions, if we truly forgive, not merely excuse. When we forgive, we do not excuse the action. We don’t respond by saying, ‘That’s OK.’ It is not OK. We must truly forgive. If it is Ok, if we excuse what happened, then there is nothing to forgive. It is OK for someone to bully, to lie, to cheat, to hurt, to treat us unfairly, etc. We have just pronounced it so. We must instead, look the grievance squarely in the eye, forgive the action, and the person.  

This does not necessarily mean that we will believe the next promise, or not be wary of the next outburst. However, it does mean that we make every effort within ourselves to kill all resentment and hostility toward this person and try to grasp, with God’s help, the mercy of reconciliation. The difference we find between the situation of us asking God’s forgiveness, and we forgiving others is simply this; in our own case, we accept excuses too easily, and in the case of others, we do not accept them easily enough. 

Here is the real danger – those few wrongs done in our lives that are deeply wounding, of which we just cannot seem to let go. This is the true spiritual challenge, where our spiritual growth really takes place, step by painful step, up the divine ascent to become like Christ, who emptied Himself for us. How do we deal with this? Here are some practical steps to help us on the journey. When we act in simple ways, trusting in the synergy of God’s mercy combining with our obedience, the door is opened for the Holy Spirit to make true change in us.

Practical Steps

One practical step is this: We pray the Lord’s Prayer repeatedly in each of our prayer offices, in every liturgy, and we use this prayer in our private devotions. Try this: whether privately, or under your breath corporately, when you pray, change the plural to singular, and then add the name of the person whom you hold indebted to you. Use the full name. Such as, “forgive me my trespasses, AS I forgive John Doe, or Jane Doe.” Do not bring your grocery list of names. It is a long journey, pace yourself. Just take one name and pray this until God begins to change this in your life and release you. Then move on to another.

Remember, we are the issue at stake, not the other person. Like the servant in the Gospel, we think so little of God’s mercy toward us, that we have no mercy on others. The beginning of the solution is truly recognizing our own need for mercy.

When we stand before God to repent, we are alone. It is just we two. There is no one to compare with to take that bright light off us, except Jesus Christ Himself. You likely do, but I do not fare so well in that comparison.

It is in this context that we say the believer’s prayer just before we partake of the sacrament of Christ.  We may say it together, but the prayer is singular. “I believe that Thou didst come into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.” This line, taken directly from St. Paul is not quantitative. It is not comparative. I am standing before the Lord Himself, alone in that moment, with all my betrayals and my pettiness. In that moment before God, there are no others to blame, or with whom to compare; I am the chief of sinners.

Considering this, here is another practical step. Many of us have learned to repeat the Jesus prayer as an aid: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.” In context with St Paul’s words, I think it is permissible to make one tiny change when we say this prayer. One little change in the prayer makes a significant difference to our stance before God when we are having trouble granting mercy and forgiveness to another person.

Change ‘A’ to ‘The.’ Practice saying, “Lord Jesus Christ Son of God have mercy on me, THE sinner.” 

Finally, consider these four steps toward divine ascent:

According to St. John of the Ladder, if you are wronged, such as insulted, and you force yourself not to answer back, and you exercise control over yourself, this is the first step.

If you have managed not to answer back, and then find some strength to pray for the one who insulted you, which is the best way to restore your own peace, then you are on the second step.

The third step is if you feel compassion for the harm that the other person’s soul suffered by insulting you.

The fourth step is what we are taught by the Book of Acts: to rejoice when we are offended for the sake of the Lord.

[Whatever our circumstance, whatever the reason for the offense against us, we can transform this into being “for the sake of the Lord” by responding in the virtue of Humility with these four steps.]

Recognizing the mercy of God for us, let us strive to take the first step. 

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me, The Sinner.  - Deacon Joseph